Who, Why, What

The short version …

I read, write, and game in my spare time. Music helps me live. Coffee and cake keep me fueled. I created two new lifeforms. I know where my towel is and the answer is always 42. I never feel guilty about any of my pleasures.

Live long and prosper. Life is for living hoopy frood.  

The longer version …

It’s been a long journey from there to here, longer that I imagined, unexpected side quests diverted me along ways pleasant and painful. Yet here I am, 52 years old and about to embark on a path both longed-for and … I hesitate to use the word ‘scary’ but in essence to me it is. Life taught me for a long time that I should doubt myself, my abilities. That I should not reach for the stars because I wouldn’t even be able to grasp the moon.

I write these words to give hope to others, to tell you that it’s never too late, and that people lie, you lie to yourself. 

Lies are told as comfort, as jealousy, an in-built safety feature. And is so easy to believe them, so simple to allow their deceit to become some perverted form of truth. Because to confront them is uncomfortable. To say ‘no I am not like that’ means you have to then become other, you have to show that they (you) are wrong. And to do that will take you off that snugglesome chair in your comfort zone and propel you into futures unknown. 

Trust yourself. You can do this. 

I work in an amazing office full of talented and innovative researchers who delight my intellect and interest daily with their chatter about the projects they are involved in and the research they are undertaking. Sometimes I catch myself thinking ‘how can I think I will ever be one of them’ but I know that is the little gremlin voice telling me lies, he’s so full of lies they seep from his mouth like a constant flow of poisonous sap. Drip. Drip. Drip. Yet I’ve learned that I can divert the flow, transmute it into a healthy potion of ‘of course I can’. Because, while there is a lot of their conversation I don’t understand – yet – there’s a lot that I do, and I also know that I am here at the beginning of a journey while they have traversed at least a few miles ahead and some are over the hills and far away. However, I will catch them up, join a few on a shared path for a while maybe, traverse paths they have no desire to go. 

I trust myself. I can do this. 

I never realised the impact trust can have on our lives. Until my (now ex) husband broke our marriage vows and had an affair. He was the one person I felt I could trust, it never occurred to me that he would cheat. Not until that moment where he confessed that he had been seeing another woman, that he had even thought of leaving me and our children for her. I was shocked, to be honest I don’t even think I processed it properly for many months. I thought I could fix it, fix us. I stayed because I thought it was the right thing to do. I wanted so much to make it all right again. 

I didn’t realised how a shattered trust can break so hard and so permanently. 

In the end the broken trust couldn’t be mended, not even with the duct tape of good intentions. Trust was broken for ever and a day, and it eventually resulted in my own breaking. The falling apart of heart and mind. 

To be fair, my mind was already a little dented – post-natal depression didn’t leave easily and left traces behind which surfaced when least expected, or desired. Those dark places became a comfort or sorts, a place to retreat to because I couldn’t deal with the life going on around me. Sinking deeper and deeper until a friend told me ‘go to therapy’. 

While a shattered marriage taught me the value and importance of trust, therapy taught me the value and importance of words. How words can harm or heal, how the words you tell yourself have impact. 

Words can be doves or bullets, choose wisely. 

So now I choose wisely (most of the time). I am careful of what words echo around my mind. I have mantras I tell myself to help me clamber from the darkness. Words of comfort are displayed around my home, on walls, on my desk where I work. And I trust those words, I trust them to help me. I know to distrust the words that hinder me. I understand how a simple change of words can make a huge difference.

This synergy between trust and words is what I want to explore in my PhD. Wish me luck by all means, I will appreciate it, but I know and trust in myself and I know and trust that I can do this, I will do this. And I look forward to the journey, wherever it may take me.