“Life, don’t talk to me about life.” Marvin, the Paranoid Android
Whenever I say the word ‘life’ this quote invariably trudges to mind. And yet …
My life is good, I have cake and coffee, a lovely home, great friends, wonderful family.However, recently I’ve been feeling the anxiety and depression rise to the surface again. This ‘self-awareness’ I have cultivated means I am very conscious of my mental health and the troughs I can slide into, how they affect me. And this trough might not be as deep as others but it is long.
So my life at the moment consists of home and the gym. The effort of going out and holding conversations with people is simply overwhelming right now. Even though I love my peeps the anxiety makes me feel sick and pressured and scared and all sorts of other (totally ridiculous) feelings. So I hibernate, cloister myself in my home, and wait for the unsettling to pass. I do realise that most of this is caused by the underlying worry of waiting for my work contract to be renewed (which means the worry is also financial) and I am hoping that once that is sorted I’ll be able to resume a social life and not get as sad and/or upset over the slightest things.
Strangely, work situations don’t seem to raise the same anxiety as life ones do.
I had started seeing a therapist and I am now being transferred to a high-intensity therapy which means more & longer sessions. Fingers crossed these will help, as even exercise isn’t working some days.
I’m fed up of the exhaustion that comes with depression and anxiety, I’ve had enough of the effects it’s having on my life. I wish I could wave a magic wand and “fix” me, but I can’t. I simply need to carry on being aware and coping and finding the happiness that is all around me – I know its there, simply shrouded from my view much of the time.
I want my life back. Please.